Killer Crossover - Volume 1

By: Brian Churchin

In Killer Crossover, we will take a look at athletes, actors, announcers and all others, and see what kind of MMA fighter they would be.

What kind of fighter would Jean Claude Van Damme be?

Let’s bring the first famous mixed martial artist in and look at his strengths and weaknesses.

If Jean Claude Van Damme can channel his inner Frank Dux, he is a perfect fit for MMA. In fact there’s not a lot that can stop him, In Bloodsport Chong Li threw everything at him…literally…punches, kicks and even referees, but JCVD still persevered. Even when blinded with mysterious ground up white powders, nothing could stop him from winning a kumite. Van Damme should be credited with Frank Dux’s KO speed and power, so he’s basically got the power of two men. As a martial artist, Van Damme was a legit 20-2 with 20 KO’s, and Frank Dux was undefeated. A master of the helicopter kick, JCVD has range that not many fighters of today have. Also, his skills as a Karate Champ should not be overlooked. Van Damme is also part robot, and he defeated Dolph Lundgren in Universal Soldier (Something that Apollo Creed could not do…only super humans like Rocky Balboa had this ability).

Also not to be overlooked is the fact that there are two of him. The message in Double Impact, while not a hit at the box office, should keep possible opponents on their toes as the last thing you need is JCVD1 pulling the ‘switcheroo’ with JCVD2 in the middle of the championship rounds.

While it should be noted that Van Damme has little to no experience fighting in the octagon, he fought in many different environments in Lionheart, and against much larger competition. Van Damme walked around in his heyday at about 180lbs, so he could be a legitimate contender for today’s welterweight champ George St. Pierre.

The secret weapon for Van Damme in his Quest (pun…another movie) to take GSP’s title, is his unmistakable rhythm. GSP might be a hell of a gymnast, but can he do this?

By this columnists observation…Van Damme over GSP by KO, 4th round, helicopter kick.

What kind of fighter would Steven Seagal be?

Steven Seagal has become a legend of frontkickedness with his recent teachings to Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida. The 7th-dan degree black belt in aikido is one of the most fearsome and misunderstood conundrums that could step inside the octagon. If we use basic mathematical principles:

IF STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE MASTER OF ANDERSON SILVA AND LYOTO MACHIDA, THEN STEVEN SEAGAL IS THE MOST ELUSIVE, POWERFUL, AND DANGEROUS FIGHTER IN THE WORLD.

Add on to this, the fact that Seagal is most lethal when there are sets of 3 (it’s not a coincidence that On Deadly Ground, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, The Glimmer Man, Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Out of Reach, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill, A Dangerous Man and Fire Down below…among others, all have three words in the title), the fact that we are in the triple digit UFCs and on the verge of UFC 130 (a 3 right in the middle!) should make all comers quake in their gloves.

Seagal is also a Reserve County Sheriff (3 words) in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana (3 words) and had a show Steven Seagal: Lawman (3 words) and it drew in 3.6 (3 and 3x2!) million viewers in the first episode, the best ever for an A&E (3 FREAKING LETTERS! Well…kind of) premier.

Seagal also has an energy drink, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, which he can drink in between rounds. He can use his own homeopathic oils to heal himself, and his own aftershave called Scent of Action (do I even need to point out the obvious here?!) to disguise his scent and throw off possible attackers.

SS wears sunglasses…all the time. Even inside. This makes it impossible to know where he is looking. He is extremely tall (exact height unknown) and will probably refuse to fight Anderson Silva for his title. For this reason, I envision Seagal fighting in the light heavyweight division. His mystique and quiet demeanor will allow him to be the only person to catch Jonny “Bones” Jones off guard, and defeat him via KO in not only the fastest fight ever to be recorded in UFC history (EXACTLY 3 seconds), but he will also accomplish this with a kick no one has ever seen, heard of, or will ever be able to repeat in the history of time to come.

This journalist predicts he would win the belt, retire, hand the belt to Machida, and then invent and star in Under Siege 3: Dark, Dead Death: The Trilogy of All Trilogies (The only movie ever that necessitates 3 names) in which he plays 3 roles (good guy, bad guy, and master of both)…all at the same time.

Coming soon in Killer Crossover Volume 2: Ralph Macchio, and Mike Tyson.

Brian Churchin created his series "The Book On..." & “Killer Crossover” exclusively for MMANonstop.com. Follow him at twitter.com/bchurchin.